Sunday, September 28, 2014

Dep styling products

Both of their hairstyles look pretty much like ass--maybe ease up the gel just a skosh, kids--which you'd think would be the mark of death for an advertisement for styling products. However, they both look so sleazy and tawdry and fun that the state of their hair is kind of beside the point. And I love her shiny blue coat dress.

The ad copy. Is weirdly punctuated, though. Sentences. Shouldn't be broken up like that.

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Quorum Cologne

This looks for all the world like the poster for an early-eighties sex romp starring Steve Guttenberg and, I dunno, Joyce Hyser. Or maybe a nubile young Demi Moore in her big-screen debut. Steve would play a nebbish Manhattan stockbroker who makes a deal with the Devil to become irresistible to babes. There'd be lots of exposed breasts and zany misunderstandings, all set to a synth-heavy Tangerine Dream soundtrack.

It'd be terrible, but I would watch the hell out of it.

Friday, September 26, 2014

Commes des Garcons

I mean, she's wearing a burlap sack, obviously. Or, to be specific, multiple burlap sacks stitched together into a "voluminous dress." So that's ridiculous, of course.

All the same... there's something about the thought processes behind the clothes of this era that I really grok, about how dresses weren't intended to be figure-flattering by default. Same reason why I grok all those awesome short haircuts from this time frame: The endgame of 1980s high fashion wasn't to look pleasing to members of the opposite sex by emphasizing stereotypically "female" attributes--long hair, a well-defined figure--but to make some kind of fiercely individual artistic statement through your appearance. This perspective seems healthier, mentally, and damn it all, it's vastly more interesting.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

L'Envie Parfum Shampoo

Shampoo that: a) smells like designer perfume, and b) contains shimmery sparkles.

Why does this product not currently exist? I would buy up every bleeding last bottle.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

LoShi BK Sour Gold

Exfoliate your skin with bits of pure gold! Achieve "mysterious" and "exotic" "Oriental beauty", as embodied in this advertisement by Whitey McWhiteperson.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014


Oh, this blasted "Gentlemen Prefer Hanes" ad campaign again. Where the highest compliment a woman can receive is to have some rando perv on her legs while she's just trying to have a nice day out with her gentleman friend.

Monday, September 22, 2014

Hanes Alive Support Pantyhose

Hey, lady, you know why no one knows you're wearing support pantyhose? Because you're not wearing support pantyhose. Or if you are, you shouldn't be. Look at you -- you're like eight feet tall and rail-thin to the point of gauntness, and there's nothing on your body that could possibly be in need of any support.

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Saturday, September 20, 2014

La Femme by Vanity Fair

It's a "short, sensuous chemise, seductively detailed in body-revealing lace." Which they are recommending you purchase as a gift for your mom.

Friday, September 19, 2014


I am widely considered ridiculously vain and neurotic about my appearance.

I've got nothing on this guy. Sir, I tip my hat to you.

Thursday, September 18, 2014


I am rethinking everything I've ever thought about Texas ranch owners.

It should come as no surprise to learn that I love her, right? She's got fabulous short hair, and she's swaddled in that ginormous... outfit, and she's got fishnet stockings paired with flat sandals, and she's posing like she's never posed before, and basically she's just the greatest, that's all. I like boys and hate the outdoors, and even still, if she asked me to marry her and run off to Texas to live on the ranch with her, I'd have no choice but to say yes.

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Perry Ellis Fragrance for Men


Let me just blow up that text box a little so y'all can read it better, because it's a doozy:

Well. I wouldn't hire him as a model, because he seems really high-maintenance AND he's an admitted klepto. But I'd absolutely take him out for drinks, because I'm pretty sure he'd spread bitchy, fabulous gossip about everyone he's ever worked with.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014


A single lace glove. A lace bow in her hair. Ginormous jeweled brooches all over a denim vest (there's even a brooch on her hair bow!). A shirt with unfathomable and unnecessary snaps and folds.

1984, how I love you.

Monday, September 15, 2014


In theory--and only in theory--I appreciate the idea behind this Esprit campaign, what with having Esprit employees talk about their relationships with the clothes. In actuality...

...many of the featured employees sound sour and snotty and disaffected ("I watch crummy TV and enjoy the commercials because I can't believe how bad they are" "I can't stand trendies" -- yeah, you two are fun). And the clothes look like ass.

Sorry. This ad campaign has made me uncharacteristically sour and snotty. It's contagious.

And in all fairness, going for sushi and dancing to new wave music in an underground nightclub does sound pretty awesome.

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Oil of Olay

Whoa, wow! So many words, Oil of Olay! My bag is fashion, not advertising, so maybe I don't know what I'm talking about here, but instead of this Great Wall of Text, I'm thinking maybe you could trim down the ad copy a bit on this? Say, something like:

Boom. Done. Probably wouldn't kill you to throw in a photo of the damn product, too.

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Revlon conditioning creme relaxer

Yes, conditioning creme relaxer, very nice, her hair looks glossy and pretty. Mostly, though, I very keenly want to know... where did she get that amazing sleep mask, and why do I not already own one of those?

Friday, September 12, 2014

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Christian Dior Underwear

He's adorable, of course. But I'm trying to think of some organic set of circumstances where this pose would come about: "Hang on a second. Now that I've already taken off my pants and unbuttoned my tuxedo shirt all the way, let me get this bow tie untied. Maybe this'll be easier if I prop one leg up on a chair."

The weird thing is, the underwear is far and away the least attractive element in this photo.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Monday, September 8, 2014

Barneys New York

 Looking sharp, boys.

...I mean, you look slightly insufferable, in the way kids in expensive double-breasted suits are always going to be insufferable, but sharp nonetheless. I was an insufferable kid myself; I can relate.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Ninja by Parfums de Coeur

I admire the optimism of Parfums de Coeur for assuming women want to smell like ninjas.

Ninjas probably don't smell like anything at all, right? If you're sneaking around assassinating people, you probably don't want a "sensual and spicy" and "long-lasting" cloud of fragrance following you wherever you go. That seems like a rookie ninja mistake.

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Oscar de la Renta

Usually there's a pretty wide gap between "kind of sleazy" and "kind of matronly", but this gown nimbly bridges that chasm.

I really like her gold lipstick, though.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Ralph Lauren

Gorgeous. Bottle-green velvet might be my mostest favoritest fabric on Earth. I would wear this jacket to the opera, or to bed, or to the corner bodega for a late-night emergency strawberry Pocky run. I would wear it until it fell off my body in tattered rags. And then I would buy another one and start the whole cycle all over again.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Anne Marie Beretta

This is amazing. I am an enthusiastic fan of any fashion designed with the express purpose of making women look, as the ad puts it, "bigger" and "bold", and this smashes it out of the ballpark on both counts. Because far too often women's fashion swerves toward "smaller" and "meek", and life is too short for that nonsense.

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Style Shampoo

"When science gives way to emotion, that's Style."

No. Wrong. Nonsensical! Go back to your desk and come up with another slogan.

Monday, September 1, 2014

Chanel cake mascara

You don't see cake mascara at all these days, and you don't see mascara that comes in "vibrant colour" nearly enough these days. 

I am a boy who wears makeup. A lot of makeup. Too much makeup, they tell me. Here's my tip: Dampen a clean spoolie brush, rub it over the surface of some intensely-colored powdered eyeshadow, apply to lashes, and boom! Instant super-charged colorful mascara. 

Yeah, it'll wear off during the day, leaving you with shimmery smudges beneath your eyes, but honestly, I consider that an added bonus.