Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Monday, September 29, 2014
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Dep styling products
Both of their hairstyles look pretty much like ass--maybe ease up the gel just a skosh, kids--which you'd think would be the mark of death for an advertisement for styling products. However, they both look so sleazy and tawdry and fun that the state of their hair is kind of beside the point. And I love her shiny blue coat dress.
The ad copy. Is weirdly punctuated, though. Sentences. Shouldn't be broken up like that.
The ad copy. Is weirdly punctuated, though. Sentences. Shouldn't be broken up like that.
Saturday, September 27, 2014
Quorum Cologne
This looks for all the world like the poster for an early-eighties sex romp starring Steve Guttenberg and, I dunno, Joyce Hyser. Or maybe a nubile young Demi Moore in her big-screen debut. Steve would play a nebbish Manhattan stockbroker who makes a deal with the Devil to become irresistible to babes. There'd be lots of exposed breasts and zany misunderstandings, all set to a synth-heavy Tangerine Dream soundtrack.
It'd be terrible, but I would watch the hell out of it.
It'd be terrible, but I would watch the hell out of it.
Friday, September 26, 2014
Commes des Garcons
All the same... there's something about the thought processes behind the clothes of this era that I really grok, about how dresses weren't intended to be figure-flattering by default. Same reason why I grok all those awesome short haircuts from this time frame: The endgame of 1980s high fashion wasn't to look pleasing to members of the opposite sex by emphasizing stereotypically "female" attributes--long hair, a well-defined figure--but to make some kind of fiercely individual artistic statement through your appearance. This perspective seems healthier, mentally, and damn it all, it's vastly more interesting.
Thursday, September 25, 2014
L'Envie Parfum Shampoo
Shampoo that: a) smells like designer perfume, and b) contains shimmery sparkles.
Why does this product not currently exist? I would buy up every bleeding last bottle.
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
LoShi BK Sour Gold
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
Monday, September 22, 2014
Hanes Alive Support Pantyhose
Sunday, September 21, 2014
Saturday, September 20, 2014
La Femme by Vanity Fair
It's a "short, sensuous chemise, seductively detailed in body-revealing lace." Which they are recommending you purchase as a gift for your mom.
Friday, September 19, 2014
Interface
I am widely considered ridiculously vain and neurotic about my appearance.
I've got nothing on this guy. Sir, I tip my hat to you.
Thursday, September 18, 2014
Foley's
I am rethinking everything I've ever thought about Texas ranch owners.
It should come as no surprise to learn that I love her, right? She's got fabulous short hair, and she's swaddled in that ginormous... outfit, and she's got fishnet stockings paired with flat sandals, and she's posing like she's never posed before, and basically she's just the greatest, that's all. I like boys and hate the outdoors, and even still, if she asked me to marry her and run off to Texas to live on the ranch with her, I'd have no choice but to say yes.
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Perry Ellis Fragrance for Men
Zounds.
Let me just blow up that text box a little so y'all can read it better, because it's a doozy:
Well. I wouldn't hire him as a model, because he seems really high-maintenance AND he's an admitted klepto. But I'd absolutely take him out for drinks, because I'm pretty sure he'd spread bitchy, fabulous gossip about everyone he's ever worked with.
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Gasoline
A single lace glove. A lace bow in her hair. Ginormous jeweled brooches all over a denim vest (there's even a brooch on her hair bow!). A shirt with unfathomable and unnecessary snaps and folds.
1984, how I love you.
1984, how I love you.
Monday, September 15, 2014
Esprit
In theory--and only in theory--I appreciate the idea behind this Esprit campaign, what with having Esprit employees talk about their relationships with the clothes. In actuality...
...many of the featured employees sound sour and snotty and disaffected ("I watch crummy TV and enjoy the commercials because I can't believe how bad they are" "I can't stand trendies" -- yeah, you two are fun). And the clothes look like ass.
Sorry. This ad campaign has made me uncharacteristically sour and snotty. It's contagious.
And in all fairness, going for sushi and dancing to new wave music in an underground nightclub does sound pretty awesome.
Sunday, September 14, 2014
Oil of Olay
Saturday, September 13, 2014
Revlon conditioning creme relaxer
Yes, conditioning creme relaxer, very nice, her hair looks glossy and pretty. Mostly, though, I very keenly want to know... where did she get that amazing sleep mask, and why do I not already own one of those?
Friday, September 12, 2014
Thursday, September 11, 2014
Christian Dior Underwear
The weird thing is, the underwear is far and away the least attractive element in this photo.
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Bandolino! part deux
Another batch of Bandolino! advertisements. Now with extra creep factor!
Monday, September 8, 2014
Barneys New York
Looking sharp, boys.
...I mean, you look slightly insufferable, in the way kids in expensive double-breasted suits are always going to be insufferable, but sharp nonetheless. I was an insufferable kid myself; I can relate.
...I mean, you look slightly insufferable, in the way kids in expensive double-breasted suits are always going to be insufferable, but sharp nonetheless. I was an insufferable kid myself; I can relate.
Sunday, September 7, 2014
Ninja by Parfums de Coeur
I admire the optimism of Parfums de Coeur for assuming women want to smell like ninjas.
Ninjas probably don't smell like anything at all, right? If you're sneaking around assassinating people, you probably don't want a "sensual and spicy" and "long-lasting" cloud of fragrance following you wherever you go. That seems like a rookie ninja mistake.
Saturday, September 6, 2014
Oscar de la Renta
Usually there's a pretty wide gap between "kind of sleazy" and "kind of matronly", but this gown nimbly bridges that chasm.
I really like her gold lipstick, though.
Friday, September 5, 2014
Thursday, September 4, 2014
Ralph Lauren
Gorgeous. Bottle-green velvet might be my mostest favoritest fabric on Earth. I would wear this jacket to the opera, or to bed, or to the corner bodega for a late-night emergency strawberry Pocky run. I would wear it until it fell off my body in tattered rags. And then I would buy another one and start the whole cycle all over again.
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
Anne Marie Beretta
This is amazing. I am an enthusiastic fan of any fashion designed with the express purpose of making women look, as the ad puts it, "bigger" and "bold", and this smashes it out of the ballpark on both counts. Because far too often women's fashion swerves toward "smaller" and "meek", and life is too short for that nonsense.
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Style Shampoo
"When science gives way to emotion, that's Style."
No. Wrong. Nonsensical! Go back to your desk and come up with another slogan.
Monday, September 1, 2014
Chanel cake mascara
You don't see cake mascara at all these days, and you don't see mascara that comes in "vibrant colour" nearly enough these days.
I am a boy who wears makeup. A lot of makeup. Too much makeup, they tell me. Here's my tip: Dampen a clean spoolie brush, rub it over the surface of some intensely-colored powdered eyeshadow, apply to lashes, and boom! Instant super-charged colorful mascara.
Yeah, it'll wear off during the day, leaving you with shimmery smudges beneath your eyes, but honestly, I consider that an added bonus.
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