New Man

"Casual dressing for those who don't take dressing casually."

Wait... we're supposed to believe these two take dressing seriously? In those outfits?

Mystere by Rochas

I think this ad campaign needs to bolster its definition of "sorcery". A little neon paint squiggle across the face doesn't really say "most magical" to me.

Maybelline Rodeo Lip Colors

About the most aggressively literal interpretation of the popular lipstick-as-a-weapon motif I've ever seen.

Maybelline Smokeys

I admire Maybelline's confidence in launching an eyeliner by drawing a direct correlation to a cartoon bear mascot.

Beauty for All Seasons

Well, she's smiling a bit more in the second photo, but other than that? I can't actually tell that she's wearing more flattering shades of makeup in the "After" shot, or that solid red works better for her than plaid. She looks fine in both pictures.

This is probably why I'm not a highly-trained professional color consultant.

Berlei

It is not immediately obvious that this is an advertisement for lingerie. Until I saw the Woolite bottle in the corner, I assumed Berlei was hawking beige eyeshadow.

Her mullet is pretty fierce, though.

Calvin Klein

I adore hand-sketched fashion advertisements, like this one. The only disadvantage -- and, in a case like this, it's kind of a big one -- is that sometimes it's impossible to tell what the outfit looks like in real life. As near as I can tell, she's draped in a billowy down comforter.

Claude Montana

She looks like the cool, sinister, glamorous lovechild of Denise Crosby and Nick Rhodes, and she can wear head-to-toe purple and green without looking like a bunch of grapes. Well done, lady.

Elizabeth Arden Color Plays

I have a pretty good eye for color, and even so, the differences betwixt Arden Blush, Arden Red, and Arden Pink Pink are not staggering.

Neil Leonard

Love it. Love her boxy, mannish suit paired with her short, awesome haircut, love his unkempt shaggy mane. There's a healthy dollop of gender-bending going on, and the results are sexy and fabulous.

Katharine Hamnett

Those urchins in their oversize socially-conscious t-shirts ("STOP ACID RAIN") are pretty damn special, Katharine.

Oil of Olay

Another ludicrously chatty advertisement from Oil of Olay. Come on, gang! Cut down on the words! More egregiously, there's zero difference between the main photo of the model and the little insert photos pointing out her wrinkles and lines. As in, it's the same exact photograph. If Oil of Olay does anything to improve skin, you wouldn't know it from whatever this ad thinks it's demonstrating.

Raul Blanco

Oh, I love her! She looks like she's the scheming, duplicitous villainess on a particularly wrenching Miami Vice episode. She'll steal Crockett's heart and blow up his boat, then she'll bribe a shady judge and get off scot-free.

Stuffed Shirt

This Will Not Be The Finest Pair 

of Denim Jeans You Can Buy.

Rodier Paris

Hmm. Charlie's not the only one who's "such a bore." And good luck with that 200 calorie lunch! Enjoy that cottage cheese and celery!

Calvin Klein Jeans

Included for no reason other than this blog has been sorely lacking in beefcake.

L'eggs Sheer Energy and, uh, Kix

So the eighties were bizarrely obsessed with pantyhose. Fashion magazines from the era were jam-packed with pantyhose ads. And there were all these incongruous promotional tie-ins: Buy cigarettes, get free pantyhose! Buy breakfast cereal, get free pantyhose!

Hence this creepy, sexed-up advertisement for Kix.

Pannill

I love how in the eighties, wearing strands of pearls with a sweatshirt was a Thing. A sassy thing, according to this advertisement.

Halston III

I'm pretty sure this is made out of that quilted heat-resistant fabric they use to make potholders and insulated totes.

It is, of course, fabulous. Shiny!

Charlie by Revlon

We've got another Charlie Girl! This one is original Charlie Girl Shelley Hack, who would, fittingly, later go on to become one of Charlie's Angels; she played Tiffany, the cool, brainy Angel, for one short season before being unceremoniously fired, purportedly for failing to click with viewers. As Johnny Carson once put it, "It's supposed to be a T&A show. When Hack's A is put where her T should be, it still doesn't jiggle."

I have no idea what that means.

Antaeus pour homme by Chanel

Per the National Gallery (UK):

In Greek mythology, Antaeus was a giant who challenged others to wrestling matches in order to kill them and collect their skulls. Antaeus was eventually overcome during a fight with the hero Heracles; Heracles discovered that Antaeus’s strength lay in his contact with the ground, so he held Antaeus aloft and crushed him in a bearhug.

The power and poetry of modern man, indeed.

Playgirl

Not a fashion ad, but I'm including it anyway, just for the invaluable glimpse into what Playgirl imagined was their target demographic, circa 1985: beautiful, big-haired, book-reading cellists in flouncy lace dresses. I like how "men" is pretty far down there on the list of interests ("Me? Oh, I read Playgirl for the fashion and fitness tips. You know, just something to pass the time while I'm waiting around for my cello recital to start. Naked men? I hadn't even noticed.").

Oscar de la Renta parfum

We get it. You're boinking Oscar.

Paketa watches

This advertisement, modeled upon vintage Soviet propaganda posters, is for wristwatches. It ran in US magazines in the late 1980s at the height of glasnost.

The eighties, man, am I right? Crazy times.

Compagnie Internationale Express

First, there was The Limited. Then there was the Limited Express. Then, at some point in the eighties, Limited Express became Compagnie Internationale Express, which was all ersatz French and awesome. This ad describes it as "a dynamic and whimsically French shopping environment", which is accurate enough as far as it goes. Still, I vastly prefer this description from an old Los Angeles Times article, which describes the store decor as "a Robert Palmer video shot at the court of Versailles."

Express dropped the "Compagnie Internationale" part of their name years ago. They no longer play French pop songs whilst you shop. They make perfectly nice clothes, but it's just not the same.

Jones New York

Kim Alexis, you are a vision and a goddess, even whilst wearing a blue plaid suit.

Max Studio Leon Max

This ad shamelessly and irresponsibly glamorizes hyperkyphosis.

Lee Nails

I'm not at all sure about "elegant", but at least this ad has the good sense not to make any claims about "natural-looking."

She looks like she's a step away from clawing his throat open with those talons.

Georges Marciano Guess?

Fantastic. No era pulled off androgyny as well as the early/mid-eighties. The only element that tips this photo more into the "female" category are the earrings (and possibly the gloss), but other than that, everything--her hair, her face, her clothes--hits right smack on the gender divide. And she's gorgeous. Like, a stone-cold knockout. Were she a boy, she'd be no less gorgeous.

Esprit Kids

Where "Great Attitude!" means "smiling tolerantly while waiting for the adults who dressed you in this godawful unflattering combination of bulky layers and whimsical accessories to take the damn photo already".

Hang in there, kiddo. You're adorable; I'm just sorry those adults did this to you.

Karen Alexander

Holy crap, those shoulders are amazing.