Hang Ten

So the iconic surf brand is designing clothes to make girls look like fetching young Alpine goatherders.

Obviously, I totally approve.

Sebastian Fizz-In Colour

It's mousse that temporarily colors (excuse me, colours) your hair.

...Is that the same model? It is, right? She looks great. Fantastic hairstyles, all of them. Here's my soapbox du jour: It is long past time to reclaim short, awesome haircuts like these. I swear, someone like Anne Hathaway or Miley Cyrus or Emma Watson or Natalie Portman dares to crop her mop, and no matter how flattering and stylish the result, everyone collectively loses their shit. Men, stop being big stinky assholes when women get short, awesome haircuts. Women, stop fretting that men won't find you attractive if you get a short, awesome haircut. Wear your hair however you want. Hint: The above styles are some really good ways to wear your hair.

Andrea Thrillers nail polish

I admire the grotesque shamelessness of this attempt to convert the Michael Jackson Zeitgeist into sales of lavender nail polish. Random! Ridiculous! Probably fairly effective!

Tickle Antiperspirant

You can have the cleanest mind in the world. You can be 100% pure in thought and word and deed. Doesn't matter.

You're still going to look at this and assume it's an ad for vibrators.

Estée Lauder Primitive Worlds

...I don't know, Estée Lauder, does Boca Raton really count as a "primitive world"?

Unisa sweater boots

Boots designed to look like you have slouchy legwarmers pulled over them are an abomination. Let us speak no more of this.

Grosvenor Fur

On general principle, I despise fur. Nonetheless, I adore this whole look. She looks like she could kill and eat me, and frankly I find that very appealing.

Lancome L'invitation au Voyage

Included simply because Isabella Rossellini is so fricking beautiful she makes me cry.

L'Oreal Ragamuffin

Per Merriam-Webster:

Ragamuffin: rag·a·muf·fin noun \ˈra-gə-ˌmə-fən\ : a child who is dressed in rags and is usually dirty and poor, but who nonetheless absolutely rocks mauve frosted lipstick.

L'Oreal La Parisienne

Legendary Parisienne style icons include Catherine Deneuve, Brigitte Bardot, and Debbie Gibson.

Daniel Mink

A couple of sexy, sweaty, sleazy racquetball players would like to sell you a watch.

Abercrombie & Fitch

This is an Abercrombie & Fitch advertisement.

Granted, this might not be immediately apparent.

I know. It's a little... different, right? Probably not what you were expecting from Abercrombie? Yeah. Les temps changent.

Karl Lagerfeld

Jesus, Karl.

Wrangler Jeans

"Misses Full".

"Full".

Snerk.

Ultrasuede Facile

This... well, what are we calling it? A coat? A cape? A poncho? Whatever it is, the draping on it is amazing. Love those full sleeves, love the wrapped neckline, love the length and volume. Don't necessarily love the matching pants, pumps, and (shudder) hose, but the cape-thing itself is pretty fab.

Bonus: Converts seamlessly into a camping tent when not in use as a garment.

Magical Musk by Toujours Moi Max Factor

Unicorns! Who doesn't love unicorns? Look at that--the cap to the perfume bottle of Magical Musk™  is shaped like a unicorn head! Whimsical! Magical! Magnifique!

Musk, for the uninitiated, is "...a substance secreted in a glandular sac under the skin of the abdomen of the male musk deer, having a strong odor, and used in perfumery." Kind of lends a new and unsettling perspective to "capture the magic of the unicorn", doesn't it?

Bandolino!

I can't speak for everyone, of course, but personally I adore this kicky, fun, totally-not-skeevy Bandolino! campaign.

Because what woman wouldn't want her calves fondled and toes sniffed by a suave Italian foot fetishist while she's wearing sturdy, practical, sensible-lady shoes?

He's looking right up her skirt, isn't he? Favoloso.

Bonus: Here's an ad campaign for eyeglasses with more wordplay about grope-happy Italians:

Bienvenue.

Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome.

It's the middle of July, so you know what? I'm thinking layers.